I did this last year, where I copied and pasted the first section of the first journal of every month, so I am doing it again this year.
January: Wow. I have not updated in a while. So much is going on lately. I went to MOCA for the third time on Friday, this time taking Chris and Shane. Yes. Shane is awesome! We are not official, yet. I am in Portland at the moment. Sam and I flew in yesterday. I go back to Ontario on Friday. February: Tomorrow begins the last year of my teenagehood. I am getting old! March: This is stupid. I know that us not being together is what's best for me, but it still hurts. I want to be one of those people who do not care. I mean, we are still friends and everything, but how can two friends who like each other keep a relationship platonic, especially having been in a relationship already? How? Well, we can do it. It is difficult. I just wish it didn't have to be this way. Things could have worked out. Of course, all we really need is time and maybe start all over again.
We are an undefined thing right now. He doesn't want to tell people we broke up. He tells some others that we went back to just dating, but then he turns around and goes, "Yes, we are just friends. We should not do this and that, and I should not say this to you, but I can't help it!" Then he tells me he misses being in a relationship with me. He needs to figure things out. Why does it have to be this way? I am not angry with him at all, regardless of what he thinks. I am not. There is no real reason to be. He's been honest. April: One of my friends posted this on Myspace:
On Wednesday at two minutes and three seconds
after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be
01:02:03 04/05/06 May: It is 6:30 a.m. I just got back to the dorm. That was one crazy night, and it shouldn't happen again. I don't know what to believe anymore. God, I believe in God, and he will guide me through this. I don't know that there is any logical explanation for some stuff that happened, but God will help. June: [No entries] July: I haven't posted in a while. I feel like I have nothing to say really. Well, I do, but then all my posts this week would be negative probably.
I want the summer to end. I hate this weather. I hate everything going on, but do I really want to go back to school already? It will be difficult when the semester starts because my closest friends in the Claremonts will be abroad or have already graduated. It sucks! Time to make new friends. Yay! (Not that I hate making friends, but finding nice people in Claremont is kind of difficult) August: So I finally said what I needed to say to him. Things did not go too well, but at least it's out of my system. I don't really know what to think, how to feel, or what to do. I think a friendship can work out, but I don't know how we're going to go about it. I am hurt. I am upset. I really wish he understood, but he doesn't. He doesn't want to. I feel completely torn. I feel stupid. I know I will be fine because I am strong. I will be fine, but it's really a matter of when. Everyone please have patience because I will likely be bitter for a while, but later I will go back to normal. While I am depressed, I am going to try to not let it get to me. Nothing more should come of this. That's all. September: I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I am angry that I won't let go. I told myself I would, and when I tried, it seemed to be going well. Then back to my life he comes. I thought I would succeed, and now, I don't know what's going on. Nothing has happened, and I am upset. No, I am not "PMSing," so people don't have to wonder that. I guess I need to change my attitude? I am not sure where things get so complicated, or maybe I refuse to see it. I don't know. I need to stop. My main focus is school, and that's how it should be. That's it...school. October: Through a Rapist's Eyes (No Joke)
This is important information for females of ALL ages . November: I like how you can post the simplest of blogs, ones that are so vague they can apply to anything or anyone, and yet, the person who you're really talking about takes it personally. That's when you know you're not overreacting. It's funny how things work. December: I feel like I haven't posted here in forever. I guess it's because it's been pretty dead lately.
Anyway, I don't know how to feel. Sometimes I wish I were truly jaded, that way things wouldn't bother me, but the truth is, things do. I sometimes feel numb, and that feeling bothers me, but feeling numb seems better than feeling bothered by the stupid meaningless shit that I should really not pay attention to.
I feel like sometimes I attract unnecessary drama. Why is that? What am I doing wrong?
Anyway, I am being bothered by Shane, so I will cut this post short.
Conclusions: This year has been an emotional roller coaster for me. It started really well the first month, and then it went downhill the second month. I thought 2006 would be an awesome year, and it did have its moments, but was also horrible. Hopefully 2007 will be better! |
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chicacherrymel's journal
annoyed
ecstatic